Day 501, Deployment Day 158: Monday Morning

I'm in a real quandary. I am at a crossroads in life and I do not know which way to go.

Should I go to nursing school now that my kids are all grown up? I'll be able to concentrate on it no problem now that I'm not being pulled in a thousand different directions family wise. Am I too old for all that now? Should I get back to self employment? I've made a lot of money being my own boss over the years. Why can't I make up my mind? I can't continue to skulk around the house not pulling my income weight. I feel very jaded but that could be the illness I'm currently afflicted with doing the talking. I've felt very negative lately.

Day 499,Deployment Day 156: I missed Michael Jackson's Memorial Service thanks to West Nile Virus

Today is NOT a GOOD DAY for two reasons:

1. Our illness has been identified: West Nile Virus. Makes perfect sense. We have been infected by mosquitoes chowing down on our sleeping bodies. Recovery time varies from 2-10 days to months to permanent disability. All depends on how the virus affects the individual. I am still in pain and sweating with fever, PIL is doing better than me and DC#4 is the least affected although still not well.

2. I had tickets to the Michael Jackson Memorial Service in Los Angeles. Yes, you heard me. I had tickets!! I was a lottery winner of sorts. My email address was pulled out of millions and I had two tickets to the event at the Staples Center last Tuesday. I was sick with this fucking virus however. I checked my email Sunday night and had received an email from the Staples Center originally telling me that I was not successful in my bid for tickets to pay final respects to one of the greatest entertainers the world has ever seen. What transpired between receiving that email Sunday night and checking my inbox this morning, is that I got sick with West Nile. I didn't read my email Monday at all. Beginning Monday morning, Staples Center tried to notify me three times to go get my tickets at Dodger Stadium. I didn't get the notifications because (a) I already thought I hadn't been successful and (b) I was saddened by MJ's death and let regular things slide, and (c) I was not feeling well anyway. I usually check my email every single damn day but there it is. I feel just plain dumb for not reading my email on Monday. I watched the memorial on the internets as much as I could but it was unbearable at times. Never mind the mud slinging, here was a man who gave the world so much of himself in the form of great music and dance and I would've loved to have paid my respects in person.

Day 497, Deployment Day 154: Ouch

Our household has been felled by a horrendous virus. No puking or anything like that. Just agonizing body and eye pain. Last night, I swear, I lay in bed writhing and crying in agony. I have no idea what this thing is and after three days, I am sick of it. I just want to be well again. Never in my life have I experienced a physical sickness as painful as this. It hurts to even sit in a chair for longer than a few seconds. My entire back is killing me.

Day 494, Deployment Day 151: Neverland and other stuff

So, yesterday, in 100 plus degree heat, I found myself at the simple brown gates of Neverland Ranch. The white rose wreath which had so publicly been placed on the gates had been stripped bare of its flowers. I had mixed feelings. On the one hand, I felt like a ghoul, especially when surrounded by dead-person-merchandise displayed on car hoods and makeshift tables by those looking to make a little profit off a death. When one strange woman approached me holding a piece of cardboard with MJ buttons attached and a "buy three for $10" sales pitch, I actually found myself at a loss for words. I just didn't know how to respond to her, so I smiled vaguely at her, went on text messaging the person I was texting, and said nary a word. I just couldn't be bothered to dignify the sucker with a reply. Shortly after that, I left for Solvang...

Yep, curiosity got the better of me and I had to see MJ's ranch, but I also wanted to make the effort to show up there to say a brief and silent goodbye to a pop star whose music and moves I truly admired. How the young man I've seen in photos from 1979 to 1985 in particular wound up mired in such tragic circumstances defies an explanation to me, an outsider. I have no idea what MJ was like in private or what sort of a demanding personality he may have been but somewhere along the line he stopped being that handsome, endearing talent of his youth and became someone else, another person entirely. I find that metamorphosis to be the saddest element of this entire story.

Neverland Ranch is situated miles away from the main drag. One would never know where it was located unless one was specifically trying to find it. The ranch is located among acres and acres of rolling countryside dotted with live oaks. Many within MJ's circle have blamed the ranch's isolated location as being instrumental to his self imposed exile. As I stood at the gate looking in, I was unable to see the house from my vantage point although I think it may be seen from the 'back' roads. Or maybe we were standing on the back road and the roads to the front of the house had been roped off? Not sure. Those roads had been roped off by police and no one was allowed to drive past a certain point. I'm not quite sure how the ranch was set up ~ I thought the house faced a main road and maybe it does. Maybe it faces one of the roped off roads which would account for the road block. Anyway, we couldn't see the house, the lakes or the grounds on which the amusement park once stood.

Neverland must've been one heck of a set up in its hey day and it must've cost an absolute fortune to maintain. Hard to imagine MJ losing the place to foreclosure although that almost happened twice. An investment capital group stepped in at the eleventh hour before the last slated foreclosure auction and purchased the defaulting loan. They then entered into a joint ownership agreement with MJ over the $25 million mortgage. That is one heck of a monthly debt service right there.

I only stayed at Neverland a short time. Some of the people milling around there were making me wonder about my own motives ... talk about crazies. I then drove a short distance to Solvang, a danish themed tourist town I've been to several times already, for lunch with the clan. I paid for lunch. *rolling eyes*

After that, we went to a local vineyard and sampled some of the alcoholic fruits of their labors. I paid for that too. *rolling eyes X2*

It was a nice day spent in the company of my favorite people.

After that, I drove home and, on the way, discovered quite by chance that Debbie Rowe lives within a certain mileage radius of my ex-custom home and has done for a long time. I was in the area to drop something off to someone I know and decided to take a quick drive by my old home to see if the new buyers had moved in yet. On the way, I passed numerous police cars and TV cameras parked out front of a big house which made me go, 'hmmmmm'...... One phone call later, and my hunch was confirmed. I wonder if MJ was ever right down the street from me at any time visiting his ex? I'd like to think he was in my old neighborhood at some point, enjoying a relaxing afternoon and sipping ice tea under the shade of a pepper tree.

Day 493, Deployment Day 150: MJ

We had a fun time yesterday. There was drama but, all in all, the fun outweighed the drama. We sat up in the stands with thousands of other people listening to a live band. The band was inundated with Michael Jackson requests which they honored as best they could. Halfway through the professional firework display, the pyrotechnics fizzled out. Something went wrong with the display and the fireworks stopped a-coming. The display was late getting started so there were evidently technical difficulties.

Today, I am driving to Neverland. I'm not going to justify the trip by saying that I was 'a fan' ( I was) or that I feel compelled to join in the madness (I don't). We've lost a music icon, probably the last we'll ever have, whose latter career was overshadowed by rumor and innuendo. That's such a shame. I remember the Young Michael, handsome and uber talented. When I lay my flowers at the gate, that's the person I'm honoring.

Day 492, Deployment Day 149: 4th of July

Today is Independence Day here in the US. Tonight, we're going to an elaborate fireworks display.

After a little discussion, PIL agreed to meet up with his brother next month. We have yet to send an email back to the brother but I'll probably do it today.

I'm not very pleased with PIL this morning: he went out yesterday and blew a large sum of money on booze and snacks. I don't want to be an irritating penny pincher here, especially in light of the fact that I am the main reason why we're broke, but I am still having trouble getting PIL on to the same financial page and outlook as myself. I think he keeps testing the water: am I serious or not? Yes, I am deadly serious. We've wasted a lot of money in the past in buying stuff we didn't need and food we didn't need. I completely see it now and have done for a while. PIL, on the other hand, still seems to be getting that spending 'high' although he's nowhere near as bad as he used to be. He had the spending high yesterday as case after case of beer and soft drinks were hauled into the house along with bags of high fat snacks which neither us nor our kids need. I grabbed the receipt from him (from one of the most expensive grocery stores in town btw) and couldn't stop myself: I nagged. I felt guilty as I was doing the nagging because the man works hard and deserves a splurge (as he called it) now and again. However, spending beaucoup bucks on junk food is the wrong splurge. If he'd really wanted a splurge with some value to it, we could've gone out for dinner just the two of us or visited friends out of town. This is just wasteful spending and it chaps my hide.

When he gets up this morning, we need to talk. We need to keep talking in order to iron out the last vestiges of resistance to the new plan of spending. We must get on the same page and be OK about it. Resentment's a bitch.

Day 490, Deployment Day 147: An email

PIL had a big falling out with his brothers back when his mom died. It occurred as a result of fighting over a little bit of money left over in a bank account after the estate had been settled. PIL didn't care about the 2 or 3 grand sitting out there in banking space and certainly wasn't going to get into an argument with his sister over it. In other words, he received his settlement and was satisfied. So did his brothers receive theirs ~ but they weren't satisfied. The exchange of words over the phone in which PIL's brothers tried to spearhead him into their confrontational mouthpiece in front of their sister resulted in years of estrangement. We haven't spoken to his brothers in years. We also haven't attended any family functions on that side of the family due to his brothers being present and PIL being so disgusted with them as to not want to even be in their presence let alone speak. God! We are all so dysfunctional.

The brothers tried initially to bridge the divide but PIL (for other reasons too besides the fighting over money) didn't want to know. He was just emotionally done.

This morning, I received an email from one of the brothers. He must've gotten my email address from family because I've changed it several times since the days when we used to email back and forth. In a nutshell, he wants to meet in August and make amends. He wrote to tell me that he had mailed DC#2 a care package to the Middle East, including photos of PIL when he was a kid. He even remembered that it was DC#2's birthday. That means a lot to me. That just makes me wanna bawl. It's time, I think, to put this bullshit behind us. PIL should be home from work early today as a start to his two week summer vacay and I'm going to suggest that we go ahead and meet with the brother. So much has happened in everyone's lives since the falling out: Divorces, affirmation of true sexual orientation (one of the brothers is gay although he was married to a woman for a time), babies, illnesses, surgeries.

I'm not angry anymore, not like I used to be. I used to see red at the slightest provocation although now I have a better understanding of myself and the motives behind why I do what I do. It's still difficult for me to keep my inner hurt under control but at least these days I'm able to talk myself down from the ledge before I jump all over people.

I have come to the conclusion that I will never be able to shake the effects of living an abused childhood in a house overruled by an enraged lunatic. That's not such a negative thing to think, by the way. Instead of hurtling along spending every cent we earn and living in denial, I have accepted this fact and, for me, it has been a positive thing. I cannot suddenly undo twenty plus years of living with emotional neglect and physical punishment. It is a part of me, ingrained into my psyche and emotional fabric. It is, unfortunately, part of who I am and denying it in the past has caused me a great deal of trouble, worry and pain.

So, when PIL gets in I am going to show him the email and recommend that this time he grab ahold of the extended olive branch. I miss the family and we need them. Life is speeding by.